being in a throuple: the good, the bad, and the ugly
It wasn't in the stars. Well, maybe it was, because it happened.
But, we didn't plan it. We didn't look for it. None of us felt polyamorous before we found ourselves on the precipice of a throuple, when we found ourselves in a literal love triangle with feelings going all ways.
Now, we've been in a throuple for over a year.
Over that year, we've learned a lot. And we've learned there's a lot more to learn.
So, here’s the good, the bad, and the ugly of being a throuple:
The good.
To come together, three people, on the same wavelength, in a vein of beauty and light. It's indescribable. These moments can vary depending on a lot of other factors, just like any couple or other relationship—they’re not constant, but they are amplified when they come around because we have two other people to share it with.
The support is what you think it would be—amazing. The convivial feeling of coming together and creating something magical between the three of you is a magnification that's truly beautiful.
One person can be at work, another can do the dishes, and still another can make dinner. One person can handle the difficult parenting situation, another can finally chill out, and another can run errands. There’s the opportunity for more shared expenses and more incomes—which is very helpful. With the way things are going in this economy, I’m not sure how we’d get by without each other.
With childcare, it really helps lighten the load, too. Sometimes one or two of us is not in the place to react the best way, and that person, or persons, can take a step back. That leads to less frustration and better parenting.
To be playfully teased by two people, to have two people laughing at your inside jokes—to be between two warm bodies on the couch or through the night—there’s so many lovely things to be shared. It can feel like being struck by lightning for all of us to be on the same page and into the same thing, going back and forth.
The middle spoon is worthy of being italicized, because damn. The middle fucking spoon, man. In our throup, we call it being “ice cream.” Like in an ice cream sandwich. "Who’s gonna be ice cream when we go to sleep tonight?"
It’s unbearable cute. To other people. We’re having a fun time, though. And it can be so fun to vibe with one partner over the good qualities of the other. You finally have someone to talk to about it who gets it. They’re there with you.
You get up to go to the bathroom, and your partners will whisper to each other as you walk away, just loud enough for you to hear, “Isn’t she so beautiful?” “Oh my god, isn’t she?” “Like a work of art.” “Exactly! Yes! That’s what I’ve been saying.”
Together you can bond over the beautiful aspects and personality of the other. And you get double the compliments (though no, it doesn’t do much to actually change any insecurities).
And speaking of those . . .
The bad.
So, you get more support, but there’s more to do, too. More people to do chores, but more people making messes. There’re more people, more incomes—but, but, but—there’s more conflict. More issues. More relationships to manage. And then on top of that you have the societal pressure of being in a “sexually deviant” relationship.
Family, friends, and coworkers may not understand. In other words; more family members who aren't gonna like you from your partners' families.
Luckily, we have a lot of supportive people in our life, and some who don’t understand aren’t really all that bothered by it, either.
Each of us have family members we don’t talk to about this aspect of our lives. They’re confused. Or they don’t wanna hear about it. Or they couldn’t handle hearing about it, so we have to pretend like it isn't happening on the phone calls.
It also makes a huge difference to just be us, the three of us, around others. That’s really what makes it clear, that we mesh well together and exist as a harmonious unit. A lot of family or friends are skeptical until they see how comfortable we are together. Others will never be okay with it, and there’s just nothing we can do but mourn how it changes our other relationships.
Aside from all that, there’s some details here and there that are frustrating. Like trying to talk in a group of three can be fun and exciting in a vibrant conversation—but sometimes it’s hard to get a word in edgewise because there’s an extra person involved.
And, worse, when you need to have a serious or difficult conversation, it’s even more complex with three. We went into this fairly blind, just all full of feelings and no plans to be polyamorous, and we’ve really had to be understanding and forgiving of each other through these difficult moments. We’ve all had to adjust and acquire new skills to cope with new issues.
Except, they're not really new. Maybe a better word would be expanded, or heightened, or exaggerated.
Something along those lines.
The ugly.
We chose to try being polyamorous together. However, none of us have been in any polyamorous situations before, so the jealousy was very difficult to move through. It still is some days.
We each take turns, it seems like. A common theme is one of us feeling down or insecure on a bad day, feeling like the other two would be better off alone together.
It’s somber and humbling to know you’re not the ONLY thing in the world to one person. You must share the spotlight. Some moments are wonderful, to see someone you love be loved by more than just you.
Other moments can sting when you worry or fear that you might not be enough. Sometimes these ambivalent feelings exist alongside each other in your heart.
After all, alternative relationships are consistently brushed aside, banned, ignored, etc. What examples do have? What healthy references are there?
It’s been a process of supporting and reassuring each other, and it comes up more often than in a couple because we are directly faced with it. I would argue that it’s still a problem with couples more than people realize—jealousy is in fact treated like it's typical. The fundamental difference people struggle with is not jealousy but is the jealousy justified? Will someone get hurt?
Because it can seem like that jealousy is acted upon in polyamory. And this is more projected insecurities than anything else, because that's not a given just because there's more people.
Dealing with jealousy and self-soothing aren’t just things that go away when you have people who love you, your issues will still be there.
Sometimes they’ll be better, and sometimes you’ll be going through it and finding it hard to like yourself. In life, we fluctuate. Just because we find good footing at one point doesn’t mean we’ll be there forever, so there is no escaping these things. Not outside of relationships, and not being in relationships. Polyamorous or not.
In fact, a lot of issues can be ignored or glossed over in a couple, whereas with a polyamorous relationship they'll have to be addressed (at least, in healthy situations). For a healthy polyamorous relationship to work, you have to be capable of letting go, being empathetic, and dealing with your insecurities. The better, and stronger you feel, the more you don't depend upon your partner or partners to valid you in order to feel valid. You validate yourself (again, not easy to do every day).
Broadly, we know we’re okay. Each of us know these worries probably aren’t true. But that doesn’t make it any less difficult because emotions often can’t be logic-ed out of out. They need to be felt, and recognized, and moved through.
The uglier.
Ugliest of all though, is how we have to hide AND how we aren't recognized as a relationship that deserves rights. This isn’t unfamiliar territory to my girlfriend and I. We’ve pretended many times to not be together and play "just friends" in scenarios where we felt unsafe or like we wouldn’t get opportunities such as housing.
I post about the throuple online—but we can’t always be obvious out in the physical world. We have to be situationally aware and think ahead if it will affect our opportunities for jobs, renting, help, etc.
Times are changing though, and as people do the math and we can’t help but tell the truth we are often met with interest ("I've never met a throuple in real life. I've just seen them on TikTok.") which we are always down for—
or, and it's not the worst, contempt and begrudging acceptance.
I attribute that largely to people talking about it—to people being honest and open. And that’s why I write about my experience and share it online. It’s easy to demonize before things are demystified, but with transparency it’s really clear that there’s so many people out here just loving others and trying to figure it out. And we can only hope that in our lifetime we'll get some rights and protections for our relationships and our family.
Ultimately, it’s additionally complex but, at the same time, not fundamentally different. It balances out in a way. We’re happy to be together, and we’re excited for our future together. We don’t know what it may hold, but we are content knowing we have one another.
